Final Chapter of ’Fifty Shades Freed’ for Masochists Only

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Rating: 1.5/5.0

CHICAGO – Only masochists and other gluttons for punishment will be heading to the theaters for “Fifty Shades Freed.” But be sure to grab a blindfold, because you can at least get 40 winks while the incompetent and unintentionally hilarious Fifty Shades Trilogy reaches its deadly dull climax.

In this final chapter audiences are finally “freed” from this franchise, which comes as a relief not just to me, but also (none too soon) for the actors involved. Over three films of S&M softcore sex, Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson have all the chemistry of two people on a first date that won’t get to first base. They’re now Mr. & Mrs. Grey, and Johnson’s Anastasia has developed a spine to occasionally stand up to her bad boy billionaire husband, Dornan’s Christian.

I Knew the Bride: Dakota Johnson in ‘Fifty Shades Freed’
Photo credit: Universal Pictures

The Fifty Shades series has always been about prosperity porn, with loving attention paid to the Grey Enterprises ownership of a private plane, sports car, yachts, and the like. But the film’s bread and butter, those sex scenes, are even sillier than they were the last time around. It’s hard to pick which one is more embarrassing, but I think the make out session involving a pint of ice cream may be the topper.

Another bone session occurs when she mentions it’s time for him to get a haircut – cue the bland R&B and would-be sexy sequence involving hair washing. These scenes are inserted into the film whenever conversations between the two leads reaches a lull, which seems to happen frequently. And frankly, for this couple, the act of boning seems to come easier than having an actual conversation with a human being.

The plot, what there is of it, consists of Mr. and Mrs. Grey adjusting to life as husband and wife. She wants to keep her job at that most rom-com of professions, the publishing house… and she seems to keep getting promoted while barely doing any work, in between jutting off on the private plane to Aspen or being back home in time for curfew. But because Anastasia is the sex crazed flighty type, she forgets to take her birth control shot and winds up pregnant. Cue the soap opera dramatics, including an unintentionally hilarious scene where Christian wanders home snozzled after a bender.

Meet the Greys: Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson in ‘Fifty Shades Freed’
Photo credit: Universal Pictures

There’s also a laundry list of laughable subplots involving Anastasia’s psycho former boss (Eric Johnson), who seems to be stalking the Grey family and bent on revenge. There’s also a homewrecker architect, the troubled love affairs of the Grey family, and so on. While the dialogue does the cast no favors, everyone seems to just be cashing a check this time around. Frankly, the most surprising thing about the film is that it has music by Danny Elfman… not that you can hear any of it with the generic and forgettable R&B between-the-sheets anthems that seem to accompany every scene.

”Fifty Shades Freed” opens everywhere on February 9th. Featuring Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eric Johnson, Marcia Gay Harden and Kim Basinger. Screenplay adapted by Niall Leonard. Directed by James Foley. Rated “R” contributor Spike Walters


© 2018 Spike Walters,

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