Lindsay Lohan Stars in Numbingly Vapid ‘The Canyons’

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Rating: 1.0/5.0

CHICAGO – In January 2013, The New York Times wrote a scathing, fascinating piece about the tumultuous production of Paul Schrader’s “The Canyons.” The narrative was essentially that star Lindsay Lohan was so difficult on set that it derailed the directorial work of the writer of “Taxi Driver” in ways that would make a reality TV producer pull out his check book to buy the footage. Clearly, Lohan was being set up for the blame. Now that the movie is being released in New York this Friday and available On Demand the same day, the truth can be told –- Lindsay Lohan is NOT the problem with “The Canyons.” In fact, she’s arguably the only interesting thing about this train wreck, a film so vapid and worthless that it’s clear that, no matter what the troubled Ms. Lohan did on-set, there was no saving it.

The notorious first scene of the film (referenced in that NYT piece for Lohan’s bizarre make-up choice within it) sets the stage for disaster. Awkward, porn-esque dialogue that sounds NOTHING like the way actual people speak to one another flies across a table at a posh L.A. restaurant. Immediately, I was thrown off. Is this supposed to be genuine? Satire? A stylized look at the L.A. celebutante scene a la the vastly superior “The Bling Ring”? None of the above? I don’t think anyone asked or answered those questions. Author Bret Easton Ellis has punctured the power structure before in works like “Less Than Zero” and “American Psycho” and so he might have considered this a satire but Paul Schrader plays it straight and the actors get stuck in the middle.

The Canyons
Photo credit: IFC Films

Back to the “story,” as slight as it is. In that opening scene, we meet the quartet of major players in “The Canyons”. On one side of the table, there’s the seemingly naïve Ryan (Nolan Funk) and his girlfriend Gina (Amanda Brooks). Gina works for Christian (James Deen), who is dating Tara (Lohan). Tara also happens to be screwing Ryan on the side even though the two are forced to pretend like they don’t know each other over cocktails. Christian happens to be screwing Yoga instructor Cynthia (Tenille Houston) and whomever else he can find online. In fact, he regularly sets up sexual encounters with Tara and himself in their Hollywood Hills home of decadence.

Christian is one of those guys who is perfectly fine with his girlfriend going down on another guy if he’s capturing it on his smart phone but not if he doesn’t know about it. He’s also clearly, as evidenced by Deen’s remarkably two-dimensional performance, totally unstable. And so as his jealousy starts to build when he realizes that Tara is sleeping with Ryan, he gets more and more dangerous.

And that’s it. One nutjob discovering the infidelity of his vapid girlfriend and losing his shit. What should we take from this paper-thin narrative? There’s no reason to root for Ryan & Tara to ride off into the sunset. Neither of them are likable enough for that plot to work. Is it a thriller? There’s almost no rising action or a climax that’s built to other than the notorious two-on-two sex scene that guaranteed the film’s unrated status. Sexy, selfish, borderline insane people screwing around on each other – again, what’s the point?

The Canyons
Photo credit: IFC Films

Giving the film the most leeway possible, there are a few interesting beats in “The Canyons” when it comes to Lohan’s real-life drama. When she says, “I was pretty wasted during those days, so anything’s possible, right?,” it’s impossible not to think of her TMZ career. Did Lohan know she was providing self-commentary? I’m pretty sure that she did and I wish Ellis and Schrader had gotten deeper into that angle of the film, however it’s possible that the on-set drama derailed that potential. It’s also possible that we’re reading more into the film than is really there and shouldn’t give critical credit just for casting.

There are moments in “The Canyons” when the film threatens to get at something about people who see relationships as nothing more than possessions, as titles, and as things to play with like they do celebrity status. Who someone is f**king is as emotionally important as what they’re wearing on the red carpet. However, Ellis hit those beats decades ago. What’s new about it? And if nothing is new in terms of commentary, where are the characters worth giving a damn about for even a second of the film. There’s no reason to care, no tension, and no reason to watch.

By BRIAN TALLERICO Content Director HollywoodChicago.com brian@hollywoodchicago.com