Film Feature: The 10 Worst Films of 2013

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“Peeples”

Peeples
Photo credit: Lionsgate

I love Craig Robinson (“The Office”), but he possibly could have blown his leading man potential with “Peeples.” He portrays a man meeting his fiancee’s family for the first time (their name is the title) an African American family who lives in the whitest of circumstances – an east coast Cape Cod-type town whose main event is a “Moby Dick” festival. And yes, the family participates in said festival. Figuring that out in socio-economic terms could be more significant than Obama’s election. This is produced by Tyler Perry, and his grimy comedy fingerprints are all over it, despite being written and directed by Tina Gordon Chism. The litany of wasted talent includes Kerry Washington, David Alan Grier, Diahann Carroll and Melvin Van Peebles. That’s the same Melvin Van Peeples that practically invented a film genre with “Sweet Sweetback’s Badaadasssss Song” in 1971. I doubt that Sweetback would be comfortable at the Moby Dick Festival.

REDEEMING FACTOR: Craig Robinson is a fantastic interview. I got the privilege to sit down with him for “Peeples.” Read all about it by clicking here.

“Bullet to the Head”

Bullet to the Head
Photo credit: Warner Bros.

2013 was the year of the ubiquitous Sylvester Stallone. He released no less than three features – and wrote one more – all within the border of the year, and I lucked into all four of them. The first was the worst, pushed into the January film dead zone like an unwelcome relative. Based on a comic book graphic novel, Sly portrays a tough guy named Jimmy Bobo, the hit-man-with-the-heart-of-gold. Forced into a partnership for a revenge factor, he dispenses his brand of justice with the killing method of the title – although what justice is done is cannot be determined by watching the film. It’s an empty exercise directed by veteran Walter Hill (“48 Hours”!), and watching the film will have you considering the actual use of the titular instruction.

REDEEMING FACTOR: Sly’s hubba-hubba daughter (Sarah Shahi) is a tattoo artist, and shows off her own ink in an extended and gratuitous bathing sequence.

“Bless Me, Ultima”

Bless Me, Ultima
Photo credit: Arenas Entertainment

There is nothing culturally worse that getting a beloved novel onto the screen –a book that has had significance for Mexican society and academia – and then making it into crumbly soft soap. “Bless Me, Ultima” is based on a cult 1972 book, and it is assumed that the film version would be highly anticipated. Carl Franklin, an African American director from California, missed the mark in trying to capture the cultural essence of a Chicano family in New Mexico during the 1940s, and the film also suffers from weak performances and cardboard characters. Even Ultima (Miriam Colon), the magical healing woman who is the vital center of the narrative, would disappear for several reels. The kid actor playing Ultima’s nephew suffers a greater fate. Despite several years going by, he never grows up. Seems like Ultima cursed him, rather than blessed him.

REDEEMING FACTOR: The budget must have been blown on cinematography, because it’s a darn good-looking movie.

“Baggage Claim”

Baggage Claim
Photo credit: Fox Searchlight Pictures

The Tyler Perry-ization of African American focused comedies has put an Ultima style curse on producing laughs. “Baggage Claim” is an example of the hyperbolic and impossible situations that can be generated in these shallow stories – and this was written and directed by the source novelist, David Talbert. Paula Patton portrays a flight attendant who is convinced that at 30 years old (gasp!) she needs to get married, so she goes over the laundry list of creepy guys she’s dated, with six weeks to Christmas to land one (“land one,” an airport pun!). The slight characters around her verge on persona stereotypes, with the happy ending inevitable. Featuring Taye Diggs as the guy who takes his shirt off.

REDEEMING FACTOR: There was a female best friend/gay best friend greek chorus in the film, and they actually started livening up the conclusion. My feeling is at that point David Talbert just let them riff.

“A Haunted House”

A Haunted House
Photo credit: Automatik Entertainment

Let me quote from my original review, written in early January…”Although 2013 is only 11 days old, ‘A Haunted House’ could hold up as the worst film of the year.” Congratulations, Marlon Wayans and crew! This is one of the unfunniest comedies I’ve ever witnessed, and I’ve seen J-Lo do comedy. These limp satire factory films are churned out on an assembly line, cynically checked to make sure the right pop culture references are present, with NO REGARD as to if the jokes are funny. And babies, this one is comic DOA. The script by Marlon Wayans and Rick Alvarez dares us to not like the film, and succeeds in that dare. There is a sixth grade sensibility in regards to the women in the film, either taking the blunt of the hauntings – including having sex with a ghost – or portrayed as horny beasts. This was the first movie in 2013 within the January film dump zone, a satire of horror films that joined the bad horror films that didn’t make the cut for October. Now THAT’S good satire.

REDEEMING FACTOR: Again, Marlon Wayans sat down for an interview in association with this film, and I respect his family’s cache in the comedy landscape. He was engaging, interesting and slightly controversial. Let’s all get the taste of these bad films out of our mouths by clicking here for that interview.

By PATRICK McDONALD Senior Staff Writer HollywoodChicago.com pat@hollywoodchicago.com