CHICAGO – Film reviewing can be a blood sport – not everything is a highfalutin art night at the cinema. The three reviewers of HollywoodChicago.com – Patrick McDonald, Spike Walters and Jon Espino – did spend some time wasting energy on some really bad movies in 2016, and lived to tell about it.
There are no rankings, because they are all rank. The ten are listed in descending levels of dread, with stars like Bobby De Niro and George Clooney representing, as well as superheroes and overwrought CGI epics making the “grade.” The persons responsible for the descriptive honors are marked accordingly, PM for for Patrick, SW for Spike and JE for Jon. Cover your eyes and gird your loins, these are the 10 Worst Films of 2016, by HollywoodChicago.com.
Dirty Grandpa
To this day, even while writing this, I get a stomach ache recalling how prodigiously disgusting “Dirty Grandpa” turned out to be. It is morally bankrupt, casually racist, blatantly homophobic and proudly sexist. This film is basically an embodiment of the Republican dream. The few reprieves this film does offer come at the expense of sexually objectifying its lead, Zac Efron. Any person who has seen an Efron film in the last decade already knows that his physique is his greatest contribution to whatever role he is saddled with. The repugnant surprise comes from veteran actor Robert DeNiro, who too effortlessly falls into the role of despicable human being. I could almost appreciate the message about how undervalued and discarded our elderly are if the poster “child” for the film wasn’t a piece of human garbage. Wisdom doesn’t always come with age, especially when your development was arrested as a teenager. (JE)
War Dogs
Some comedy directors who long to be taken seriously can pull off satire. Others like “Old School’ and “Hangover” alum Todd Phillips cannot. Philipps fancies himself a Scorsese in the making with this tale of young gun runners exploiting quirks in government contracts to make themselves rich in Iraq, during the years of President George W. Bush. But Phillips has a tin ear for satire and the script’s jokes land with the resounding thud you’d expect from the screenwriter of “The Hangover Part II.” This is a movie that isn’t half as smart as it thinks it is, and bears a slime of smugness as heavy as a 15 year old trying on his first cologne. (SW)
The Bronze
This “comedy” had an odd but telling history. It was picked up for distribution at the Sundance film festival two years ago, but lingered on the shelf as it went from one distributor to another (Sony Pictures Classics), finally seeing the light of day in March of 2016. Experiencing the film tells you why, is it a misguided satire?…er raunch comedy?…feel-good picture? It involves a self absorbed Olympic gymnast (Melissa Rauch of “The Big Bang Theory”) who won a Bronze medal and wants that honor to serve her forever in the small town where she lives. When a promising rival (Haley Lu Richardson) appears, all heck breaks loose. Not knowing what it wanted to be was only half the problem of the film, the other is that is just ain’t funny, and created some really weird scenes (gymnast sex scene with body doubles anyone? anyone?). I didn’t review at the time because I interviewed Melissa Rauch in association with it, and she was so gracious I knew I couldn’t do a hatchet job. But don’t waste your time. (PM)
Independence Day: Resurgence
Is a summer filled with less than stellar blockbusters, “Independence Day: Resurgence” had all the hype and potential to save the day. Even finding out Will Smith, one of the major reasons for the film’s success, would not be part of it didn’t completely hamper my excitement. It wasn’t until I was actually sitting through the film that I knew I was doomed. Aside from a completely convoluted story, the film’s tone had changed. The first film’s tone has its slightly grave moments, but for the most remains humorous. How else can you play up such a campy popcorn flick? “Resurgence” tries to hard to be taken seriously, which is not what fans paid to see. We also didn’t pay to basically have Liam Hemsworth forced on us the entire film, overshadowing every other character in the film…and basically replacing the role that once belonged to an African American (Will Smith). There are few films where I hope the aliens win, that way we humans can just be put out of our misery. (JE)
Warcraft
This video game adaptation is like “The Lord Of The Rings” except it’s been drained of all life, wit, character, and entertainment. The normally reliable Duncan Jones is overwhelmed by the digital armies of second hand fantasy characters he must shephard. When an Ork knockoff is supposed to be your hero, you know you’re in trouble. Even though it clocked in at just barely over 2 hours, This film certainly feels a lot longer than any of Peter Jackson’s trips to Middle Earth – and I’m counting “The Hobbit.” (SW)
Money Monster
There is nothing more excruciating than social commentary that misses its intended target, and the darts of “Money Monster” landed in the next county. George Clooney is Lee Gates, the host of the show “Money Monster,” daily advice for stock market investors on a financial channel. The calm of this everyday con job is shattered by a gun-totin’ madman named Kyle (Jack O’Connell), who takes Lee hostage on the air – because an investment Lee recommended wiped out his savings – while his loyal producer (Julia Roberts) tries to calm the situation. The whole thing was fraudulent, because as Mr. Trump proved the rich are rich because they don’t lose. To make it a Jimmy Stewart-type fantasy where these wealthy men (represented by Dominic West) can be brought down is ludicrious, and unbelievably naive. Yeah, stick it to the man! But it was the “man” who financed this film, and most likely manipulated the profits while laughing all the way to bank. (PM)
Gods of Egypt
“How the mighty have fallen!” would have been a fitting tagline for the film if it didn’t also apply to the filmmakers. “Gods of Egypt” is that pseudo-Egyptian, “Tranformers”-fantasy fever dream we never knew we wanted…and still don’t. This film blends all the fun of being bombarded by barrage after barrage of passable CGI with a story that makes most children’s books seem complex in comparison. Add on top of that director Alex Proyas’ vision to reappropriate a different culture’s beliefs and rituals, without actually giving an accurate representation of the people who believe in it. Since it is a work of fantasy, the delusion was powerful enough to convince Proyas that whitewashing every single major character would be acceptable. Obviously it wasn’t, especially taking into consideration that the wooden performances did nothing for the buoyancy of this film – if anything, it helped to drown an already sinking ship. These “Gods” aren’t the ones you pray to, but the ones you pray you never have to encounter the likes of ever again. (JE)
How to Be Single
There’s no reason a women behaving badly, while looking for love, can’t work in a comedy – but “How To Be Single” is not it. Rebel Wilson can be funny, and so can Alison Brie and Leslie Mann. Dakota Johnson’s laughs are of the purely unintentional kind, like in the “50 Shades Of Grey” films, so she’s not exactly the yuk-it-up type. The cast has precious little to work with, so I can’t blame them. There are precious few laughs to be had in this slovenly production, which lurches from one setup to the next in a desperate search for a punchline. And any movie that wastes Leslie Mann as a baby-hating gynecologist is too wobegon to save. (SW)
Masterminds
This the type of film where I wanted to beat it against the side of the table and scream, “where’s the funny!?!?” This so-called comedy continues the slow slide downward of one Zach Galifiankis – whose last three films with him in the lead role have tanked. Here he portrays a based-on-a-true-story schlub who pulls off an insider armored car heist for a lady (Kristen Wiig in a Wonder Bra). I think director Jared Hess, who gave the world “Napoleon Dynamite,” wanted the same vibe for this tired concept, but the result was just more tired and desperately unfunny. The all-star cast, which included Owen Wilson, Jason Sudeikis and Kate McKinnon, are sweating bullets to try and milk something out of this misguided misfire. This is yet another film where the credit outtakes are funnier than the story, but by the time you get there you won’t care. (PM)
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
The prize for the single most maddening picture of the year goes to this overlong exercise in bad decisions. This is the movie I remember most for getting my blood boiling before the opening credits were even over. In director Zack Snyder’s hands, the oft told story of Bruce Wayne and his murdered parents become an absurd exercise in self parody, except Snyder’s not in on the joke, as a flock of bats literally lifts the young master Wayne aloft and Batman is born. Superman’s a flying prick in this film, Batman is a brutal vigilante, and there’s not a hero to be found. The only bright spot is Jesse Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor – a twitchy, giggly and evil techie. And oh that ending…Martha, Martha, Martha! This movie makes the extremely flawed “Man Of Steel” look like the original Superman film by comparison. (SW)
CLICK HERE [20] for the 10 Best Films of 2016 by Patrick McDonald of HollywoodChicago.com.
[22] | By PATRICK McDONALD [23] |
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