Film Review: ‘Winter’s Tale’ Freezes in Cheesy Movie Hell

CHICAGO – The poster for “Winter’s Tale,” after promising that “It’s not a true story, it’s a love story,” makes a large demand from its viewers at the bottom: “This Valentine’s Day, Believe In Miracles.” While there is indeed a difference between filmmaking and marketing, it is hard to not imagine writer/director Akiva Goldsman whispering “believe in miracles” into the ear of every executive who helped “Winter’s Tale” come to life, immediately after throwing glitter on them.

Rating: 1.5/5.0

The catch with miracles in movies is not whether we believe in miracles, but if we trust, or more directly, buy them. Do we buy the miraculous magic of Goldsman’s “Winter’s Tale”? Not at all. You can’t believe a miracle if you don’t trust the story behind it.

Based on Mark Halprin’s 672 page novel, “Winter’s Tale” is the swirling creation of a zealous Hollywood storyteller, or most definitely, the guy who made money for devising the puns of 1997’s “Batman & Robin.” In the film, Colin Farrell plays Peter Lake, a ruffian in early 20th century America who was abandoned by his parents when they were sent home from Ellis Island. Lake works as a thief for Pearly Soames (Russell Crowe), an angry man with scars on his face and literal demons within him. When Lake escapes from the clutches of Pearly (with the help of a flying white horse named Athansor) he soon gazes upon a woman named Beverly Penn (Jessica Brown Findlay), who is dying of consumption. Though the two meet while he is trying to rob her place, the couple begin a cold-and-heavy courtship, where he must respect her need for cold temperatures, and muffle his hormonal inclinations.

Meanwhile, Beverly’s life clock continues to wind down, and the two are the target of Pearly’s rage. Pearly thinks Peter is Beverly’s “miracle,” and in his business of killing miracles, needs to ruin Peter’s chances of saving someone, or else.

‘Winter’s Tale’ opens everywhere February 14th. Featuring Colin Farrell, Jessica Brown Findlay, Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, and Eva Marie Saint. Written and directed by Akiva Goldsman, adapted from Mark Helprin’s novel of the same name. Rated “PG-13”