CHICAGO – Why are those three Oscar winners – Susan Sarandon, Robert De Niro and Diane Keaton – laughing on that fourth poster below? Because they managed to cash a paycheck on the way to participating in one of the Worst Films of 2013. As studios pump out more and more product, more cinematic sewage clogs up the system. What do you need to avoid at Hell’s Video Store? Read on.
There are no rankings, because they are all rank. The ten are listed in descending levels of dread, caught up momentarily by the one-two punch (“Grudge Match!”) of Robert I-need-to-pay-off-my-vacation-homes De Niro. Each entry has a “REDEEMING FACTOR,” because without it, HollywoodChicago.com film critic Patrick McDonald would probably rip out his eyeballs and have them blessed by Ultima (see below). And 10 of the worst films of 2013 are…
“We’re the Millers”
What is notable about this film is that the potential was there. The first 20 minutes or so plays like a bad-ass satire (regarding the American Dream), with Jason Sudeikis as a slovenly pot dealer throwing out one liners like a Don Rickles on a roll. Then for some inexplicable reason, the whole farce shuts off, and it becomes an unfunny family comedy with Jennifer Aniston eventually doing a strip tease without taking her clothes off – and even then it felt self conscious. The rest highlights a sweating supporting cast trying to squeeze out some laughs – especially the unwelcome Kathryn Hahn – and a road trip that goes nowhere. Painful.
REDEEMING FACTOR: It’s a pleasure to report that Jennifer A. still has the body to play a stripper, if not the comedic and acting chops to portray a stripper. Personal trainers and fake tan bronzers, take a gold star out of petty cash.
“The Hangover Part III”
Despite horrible reviews from “The Hangover Part II,” the box office returns weren’t horrible and the green light was lit for Part III. The creative team, however, made sure that there wouldn’t be a Part IV to be considered, because this is one the laziest sequels ever made. First, it’s trapped in an complex-for-a-comedy plot that felt like warmed over James Bond, and second, the now-famous cast were trying way too hard to extract a pitiful laugh from that complexity. How can they be drugged again, to generate wacky post-hangover adventures? Eh, they’re not. Yep, it’s a “Hangover” movie with no hangover, except for the unlucky audience members afterward. Featuring desperate guest star Melissa McCarthy as the love interest that can hopefully improvise something funny. Fail.
REDEEMING FACTOR: There was some nice real estate in the Mexico scenes.
“Admission”
The cast is practically a comedy hall of fame – Tina Fey, Paul Rudd, Wallace Shawn and Lily Tomlin – all playing into Fey’s obsession with being Katharine Hepburn or some other sort of light comedienne. Set in the laugh-a-minute world of the Princeton University admissions office (I wish I were kidding), the film doesn’t make fun of helicopter parents or the snootiness of the Ivy League – it takes the Admissions Office politics seriously! Paul Rudd shows his softer side as a do-gooder who has traveled the world and has adopted a Ugandan orphan, you know, the side of Paul Rudd we’ve all been anticipating for years. It all adds up to Wally Shawn’s perfect catch phrase summation – “inconceivable!”
REDEEMING FACTOR: There was one funny bit. When Admissions Officer Fey went through applications, she imagined the students appearing to represent themselves in the office, and when rejected they fell down a cartoon-like trap door. See you at UMASS, suckers.
“The Big Wedding”
Don’t RSVP for this one - hyyyyyy-oooh. This weekend wedding romp has an “R” rating, but it tossed with the sentimental goo of comic typical bride and bridegroom misunderstandings. Robert De Niro, doing some prime paycheck cashing, plays a horny old goat Dad whose adopted South American son never told his über-Catholic biological Mom that the Dad and his ex-wife – played by Diane Keaton – had ever divorced. Faster than you can say I-Love-Lucy-plot, the wacky old couple “pretend” to be married for the weekend. This is the type of ensemble film that underutilizes more interesting actors like Amanda Seyfried and Susan Sarandon for the comic stylings of Topher Grace, playing (I wish I were kidding) a 30 year old virgin doctor. But fear not, Robin Williams is around to play the same wacky Catholic priest character from “License to Wed.”
REDEEMING FACTOR: Robert De Niro is shown performing a particular carnal maneuver on Susan Sarandon and they are caught in the act by Diane Keaton. This same scenario could have played out in a cutting-edge indie film from 1981.
“The Family”
It’s the Bobby De Niro two-fer. “The Family” is so gloriously bad, that this film alone could whack the mafia film genre forever. The premise is a witness protection program for Jersey Capo Giovanni Manzoni (De Niro) and his family of sociopaths. For comedy, the film pretends that the wife (Michelle Pfieffer) and two kids (Dianna Agron and John D’Leo) are in on the violent fun, so for laughs we’re treated to beatings by baseball bats, tennis rackets, hammers and of course large amounts of gunplay, all of which the family practices expertly. All prints of “The Family” should sleep with the fishes.
REDEEMING FACTOR: The cover that Giovanni uses is that of a writer. The De Niro character actually begins to write his memoirs, and those five minutes of voiceover are the only palatable moments in the whole flipping film.
“Peeples”
I love Craig Robinson (“The Office”), but he possibly could have blown his leading man potential with “Peeples.” He portrays a man meeting his fiancee’s family for the first time (their name is the title) an African American family who lives in the whitest of circumstances – an east coast Cape Cod-type town whose main event is a “Moby Dick” festival. And yes, the family participates in said festival. Figuring that out in socio-economic terms could be more significant than Obama’s election. This is produced by Tyler Perry, and his grimy comedy fingerprints are all over it, despite being written and directed by Tina Gordon Chism. The litany of wasted talent includes Kerry Washington, David Alan Grier, Diahann Carroll and Melvin Van Peebles. That’s the same Melvin Van Peeples that practically invented a film genre with “Sweet Sweetback’s Badaadasssss Song” in 1971. I doubt that Sweetback would be comfortable at the Moby Dick Festival.
REDEEMING FACTOR: Craig Robinson is a fantastic interview. I got the privilege to sit down with him for “Peeples.” Read all about it by clicking here. [19]
“Bullet to the Head”
2013 was the year of the ubiquitous Sylvester Stallone. He released no less than three features – and wrote one more – all within the border of the year, and I lucked into all four of them. The first was the worst, pushed into the January film dead zone like an unwelcome relative. Based on a comic book graphic novel, Sly portrays a tough guy named Jimmy Bobo, the hit-man-with-the-heart-of-gold. Forced into a partnership for a revenge factor, he dispenses his brand of justice with the killing method of the title – although what justice is done is cannot be determined by watching the film. It’s an empty exercise directed by veteran Walter Hill (“48 Hours”!), and watching the film will have you considering the actual use of the titular instruction.
REDEEMING FACTOR: Sly’s hubba-hubba daughter (Sarah Shahi) is a tattoo artist, and shows off her own ink in an extended and gratuitous bathing sequence.
“Bless Me, Ultima”
There is nothing culturally worse that getting a beloved novel onto the screen –a book that has had significance for Mexican society and academia – and then making it into crumbly soft soap. “Bless Me, Ultima” is based on a cult 1972 book, and it is assumed that the film version would be highly anticipated. Carl Franklin, an African American director from California, missed the mark in trying to capture the cultural essence of a Chicano family in New Mexico during the 1940s, and the film also suffers from weak performances and cardboard characters. Even Ultima (Miriam Colon), the magical healing woman who is the vital center of the narrative, would disappear for several reels. The kid actor playing Ultima’s nephew suffers a greater fate. Despite several years going by, he never grows up. Seems like Ultima cursed him, rather than blessed him.
REDEEMING FACTOR: The budget must have been blown on cinematography, because it’s a darn good-looking movie.
“Baggage Claim”
The Tyler Perry-ization of African American focused comedies has put an Ultima style curse on producing laughs. “Baggage Claim” is an example of the hyperbolic and impossible situations that can be generated in these shallow stories – and this was written and directed by the source novelist, David Talbert. Paula Patton portrays a flight attendant who is convinced that at 30 years old (gasp!) she needs to get married, so she goes over the laundry list of creepy guys she’s dated, with six weeks to Christmas to land one (“land one,” an airport pun!). The slight characters around her verge on persona stereotypes, with the happy ending inevitable. Featuring Taye Diggs as the guy who takes his shirt off.
REDEEMING FACTOR: There was a female best friend/gay best friend greek chorus in the film, and they actually started livening up the conclusion. My feeling is at that point David Talbert just let them riff.
“A Haunted House”
Let me quote from my original review, written in early January…”Although 2013 is only 11 days old, ‘A Haunted House’ could hold up as the worst film of the year.” Congratulations, Marlon Wayans and crew! This is one of the unfunniest comedies I’ve ever witnessed, and I’ve seen J-Lo do comedy. These limp satire factory films are churned out on an assembly line, cynically checked to make sure the right pop culture references are present, with NO REGARD as to if the jokes are funny. And babies, this one is comic DOA. The script by Marlon Wayans and Rick Alvarez dares us to not like the film, and succeeds in that dare. There is a sixth grade sensibility in regards to the women in the film, either taking the blunt of the hauntings – including having sex with a ghost – or portrayed as horny beasts. This was the first movie in 2013 within the January film dump zone, a satire of horror films that joined the bad horror films that didn’t make the cut for October. Now THAT’S good satire.
REDEEMING FACTOR: Again, Marlon Wayans sat down for an interview in association with this film, and I respect his family’s cache in the comedy landscape. He was engaging, interesting and slightly controversial. Let’s all get the taste of these bad films out of our mouths by clicking here [20] for that interview.
[23] | By PATRICK McDONALD [24] |
Links:
[1] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/users/hankq
[2] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/10-worst-films-2013
[3] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/2013-worst-movies
[4] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/a-haunted-house
[5] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/admission
[6] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/bad-films-2013
[7] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/baggage-claim
[8] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/big-wedding
[9] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/bless-me-ultima
[10] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/brian-tallerico
[11] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/bullet-to-the-head
[12] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/hangover-part-iii
[13] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/hollywoodchicagodotcom-content
[14] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/list
[15] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/patrick-mcdonald
[16] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/peeples
[17] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/the-family
[18] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/we-re-the-millers
[19] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/22027/interview-craig-robinson-riffs-on-peeples-the-office
[20] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/21011/interview-marlon-wayans-chases-spoofs-in-a-haunted-house
[21] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/23078/film-feature-the-best-films-of-2013
[22] http://www.hollywoodchicago.com/news/23169/film-feature-the-10-best-films-of-2013-part-two
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