Blu-Ray Review: Phony ‘Ghosts of Girlfriends Past’ Deserves to Be Dumped

CHICAGO – Here’s a perfect example of Hollywood filmmaking at its laziest. It’s difficult to imagine anyone in front of the camera or behind it breaking much of a sweat in their half-hearted attempt to satisfy a mainstream audience equipped with the lowest possible expectations. It’s doubly difficult to imagine a time when star Matthew McConaughey didn’t just act with his abs. His last film was named “Surfer, Dude,” and this one could easily be called “Cheater, Douche.”

Blu-Ray Rating: 2.0/5.0

Alas, his latest vehicle has the ungainly title “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past,” which alone would scare off most serious cinephiles. It’s the latest rip-off (sorry, “retread”) of Charles Dickens’ holiday perennial “A Christmas Carol,” and it’s the worst to hit Blu-Ray since “Scrooged.” There’s nothing redeemable about this film’s protagonist, or the film itself.

McConaughey lends his predictable brand of seductive sleaze to the role of Connor Mead, a womanizing photographer who specializes in shooting his female targets through the heart. His belief in casual sex over commitment has led to a lifetime of loneliness, but he doesn’t seem to care. No matter how many hearts he breaks, there’s always more women for him to steer into the sack. He’s the kind of SOB who can’t attend his brother’s wedding without groping the mother of the bride, and offering the groom keys to his Jag (in case he feels the urge to escape).

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past will be released on DVD and Blu-Ray on September 22nd, 2009.
Photo credit: Warner Brothers Home Video

Faster than you can say “Jacob Marley,” in swoops the ghost of Connor’s Uncle Wayne, materializing in the form of Michael Douglas who gets to utter his latest variation on the “Greed Is Good” gobbledygook. Wayne was Connor’s mentor in the art of seducing and destroying females, but now his spirit is stuck with the Dickensian requirements of summoning wrongdoers from the grave. Thus, Connor partakes in a long night of moralistic haunts straight out of the Ebenezer playbook, interrupted by the occasional rainstorm of condoms.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past will be released on DVD and Blu-Ray on September 22nd, 2009. Photo credit: Warner Brothers Home Video

This is the kind of cheap Hollywood product that thinks it’s superior to the cliches it utilizes as long as it openly acknowledges their presence. One ghost announces “And now a romantic montage set to Cyndi Lauper’s ‘Time After Time,’” which leads to exactly that – without a satirical payoff. Even worse, the film feigns a moral agenda while barely concealing its insincerity. The blank-faced McConaughey’s lack of a believable transition sours his heroic final speech, where he convinces a woman to forgive her cheating fiancé because…well, it sure beats being alone.

Since Connor is wholly unsympathetic, the audience immediately sympathizes with his alleged lifelong love Jenny (Jennifer Garner), who clearly deserves better. Garner has elevated formulaic schmaltz before in “13 Going On 30,” and her tender performance is the film’s sole bright spot. Director Mark Waters found considerably more success with his previous spirit-infested comedy “Just Like Heaven,” which benefitted from the chemistry between its two leads. Their “All of Me”-style slapstick was pure genius compared to the ludicrous moment in “Ghosts” when McConaughey attempts to prop up a wedding cake with a wine bottle.

In a year stuffed with awful romantic comedies, “Ghosts” is a worthy addition. On Blu-Ray, the film’s picture quality is second-to-none, but the extra clarity only amplifies the cheesiness of the special effects and the nonexistence of McConaughey’s facial expressions. Don’t be seduced by this polished package. Take Uncle Wayne’s advice: “the power of a relationship lies with whoever cares less.” If nothing’s happening between you and this disc, feel free to chuck it in the dumpster. I promise you won’t be visited by any spirits.

“Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” is presented in 1080p High Definition with a 2:4:1 aspect ratio and accompanied by an English and Spanish Dolby Digital 5.1 track. Special features include deleted scenes, three paltry behind-the-scenes featurettes, and exclusive footage of the film’s photogenic females via BD Live. The bonus disc includes a Digital Copy of the movie in standard definition, enabling viewers to carry this cinematic virus on their computers.

By MATT FAGERHOLM
Staff Writer
HollywoodChicago.com